I don’t know how to behave: sort things out or pretend that I don’t know anything? Tired of pretending nothing is happening. Added to pretend that nothing happened

I write just to talk. There is no need for pity or condemnation. If a little support and understanding. I won't refuse! SAMADURAVINOVATA- I myself know and understand everything about myself. Of course, I will listen to girls who have not experienced anything in their lives and think, “I WOULD never do this,” but with a smile and in such cases I always say: “I myself don’t know what I will do in this or that situation, therefore I don't blame anyone."

And a month ago, I also didn’t think that I, a completely calm, already adult, always smiling woman, would kick at the door of someone else’s apartment at 6 in the morning, then a day later I would fight on the street with my husband’s mistress and swear. Couldn't stand it. I thought to come to my senses, to feel how bad everything is for me and the children.
It began with the fact that my husband, under the pretext of being in the way, brought home my sunglasses, which were always in the car. It was 5 years ago. Further more. There was irritability. I will not describe everything that happened. I felt that my husband had someone appeared. To all my hints and inquiries where I was and what was happening, I always answered very rudely and brazenly that I had one thing on my mind and I was walking myself. From scratch, he made a scandal and I stopped asking and presenting anything, because with my husband peace is more precious than the truth.

Then the wedding of the eldest daughter, then my mother fell ill. My mother had a stroke, a fracture of the femoral neck. And for almost 2 years I was torn between my children and my mother. In October, my mother passed away.

And during this time, my husband pulled away to such an extent that in September he took time off, lied to me that he was going to study and left for 10 days with his wife ... to rest. I saw with my own eyes how they got into our car and left.

He arrived and pretended nothing had happened. He accused me of making it all up. Made a fuss on my birthday. I thought where I should go to school with my mother in my arms, the youngest at school. I thought I'd get over it. Lies and brazen attacks in my direction did not stop. So he asked for forgiveness. All conversations ended in scandal. Recently, he began to transfer part of his salary to a separate account, while he always lied that he was not given a bonus or something else. Just enough for food.
Then it happened, what happened (I wrote above). It was right after the new year.

The month has passed. Now I have a condition, as if a knife was planted in my heart (I physically feel a dull pain that prevents me from bending, straightening, not talking).

We've been friends since school. Lived 30 years. Two children. The youngest is very attached to her father. This is our second marriage with him. The first time we got divorced for the same reason. He had a baby on the side. We lived 2 years apart, then he persuaded me for a long time to live together, to raise a daughter. But always at the slightest scandal, he reproaches me for these 2 years and always says that I allegedly walked.

I asked him to leave and not torment himself or us. Doesn't leave. "He says that we will get out, we will raise the children." So he asked for forgiveness.

I can't leave myself. Nowhere, and the child goes to school. We live like neighbors.

Before that, all my insides were bubbling with resentment for myself, for my children, and this explains my inadequate behavior. And now emptiness and just a dull pain.

I am adding.

Question to the psychologist:

Good afternoon! My situation is as follows, I work in the same team together with a relative of my husband, whom I myself brought. We have been working for 5 years. I am the senior member of our team. Before this work, our relationship was neutral, while working together we became more friends, because neither she nor I have any girlfriends anymore. She is not married, we are the same age. We had a pretty good time at work. But over time, it turned out that she just couldn’t stand me and shared this with the rest of the team. She talks about my personal life (she is my husband's sister) her personal negative point of view. Those who told me about it asked me not to tell her about it. And I get into a vicious circle. She is very friendly to me in person, often praises me for helping her out, covering for her at work, sharing her personal life with me, and behind my back she says about me that I am an upstart, a snitch, I earn the most for it. I am a person who does not know how to scandal, I do not know how to behave in this situation. I can’t set up the people who shared with me, but I don’t want to endure it any longer. Quitting is not an option, we have a bad job, and everything else suits me, I love my job, she won’t leave either, she has loans. Periodically different people wondering let me know her comments. I'm shocked, how can you be so two-faced?

The psychologist Sviridova Lyudmila Pavlovna answers the question.

Hello Alina!

There is an expression: "A relative in captivity is a friend." This means that relatives are not chosen, all people are different, and it is better to maintain a "bad peace" with relatives than to unleash a "cold war." Try to understand the situation, maybe someone wants to push your foreheads against you. Unfortunately, this happens in women's groups, someone begins to weave intrigues and it is difficult to find ends. Or maybe, indeed, your relative is behaving dishonorably behind your back. Human envy does its dirty work - you have a family, a position, and some other advantages over your sister-in-law. It turns out for the sake of balance, at least something to overshadow your life in the eyes of others. And colleagues are also good, they convey negative information, knowing in advance that nothing can be done with it.

It was a mistake on your part to bring a relative to work, since family, friendship and professional relations cannot be crossed, especially if there is a hierarchy between people. It turns out at work someone has to give instructions - the other to obey, and after work to be on an equal footing.

How can you act in this situation? Let's look at a few options, and the choice is yours. What result do you need? If you want “to keep both the sheep safe and the wolves fed”, that is, to keep everyone in their places, then you need to change your attitude towards the situation itself and towards its participants. The first participant is your relative - you can build a safe distance in communication, do not touch on topics that can compromise you, neutral conversations, you can say that higher management does not welcome free communication at work or something else. When someone tries to convey comments to you again, then immediately stop this information, make it clear that you are not interested, this is on the conscience of the one who speaks, and you know everything about yourself. Or ask for what purpose this information is brought to you, what result do they expect? Try inside yourself to change the attitude that it is impossible to be good for everyone, especially at work and in office. You come to the team not to make friends, but to fulfill your professional duties set the right priorities. And if you are haunted by a sense of justice, then you will have to call a relative for a conversation, but the consequences will be unpredictable, you can pick up some ripe abscess. Or you might think: what does the current situation teach you, draw conclusions, change something in yourself, turn this page and live on, as if nothing had happened, but with new model your attitude towards everything. Imagine that if this dirt did not exist, how easy it would be for you to live then. So live!

Your last message went unanswered. I have nothing to answer the question: "Maybe too close to my heart?". I don't know how one can love far from the heart, far from the heart one can only be indifferent, everything else is close. And when you love, too close. So I took the question as rhetorical and you shut up. How long? Are you really so offended by me that you come back again and again to open up my failing to heal wound? Let me tell you about the six months of my life after you, and maybe you'll decide that I've had enough...

Six months.

The first month I was just gone. There was a leather bag with bones that managed to move in space. Later, remembering those days, I was surprised how I walked at all, kept my body upright and where I got the strength to rearrange my legs! Then I read a parable about a guardian angel.

An angel addressed the man:
- Do you want me to show you your life?
- Want.
The angel raised it high and the man saw his life - two pairs of footprints walking side by side.
- Who is this next to me? the man asked.
- It's me, - says the angel, - I accompany you all your life.
- And why sometimes only one pair of footprints remains? the man asked.
- These are the most difficult periods of your life ...
- And what, you left me in the most difficult moments?! How could you?! - the man lamented.
“No, I carried you in my arms…”

Everything immediately fell into place, and I realized that I was not alone. God never leaves us alone or gives us trials that we cannot bear. So, you just have to be patient.

There were few events in the first month, every day the same thing: morning hysteria in the bathroom with soundless sobs; at work, after every meeting with you in the corridors, I urgently return to the office, press my back against the wall and flow down it to the floor, cry to someone's steps, ask the sky, “when will it all end?”, and move on; evening tantrum under the shower; night tears every time I wake up, and I woke up an infinite number of times. That month, I fell to the very bottom of myself, did not know that it was so deep there. I met my bottom, normal, nothing criminal. I was very black then, everything was black, the rooms were dark, as if we suddenly decided to save electricity. The only place where there was light was the director's office, but more on that later.

There, at the bottom, I was visited by a terrible thought, I really wanted to cease to exist. But there was one argument to meet sunrises. It turns out that I'm not so selfish, quite a responsible person. Friends said that I stopped smiling and, while everyone was having fun, I was looking for a corner where to lie down and die. This made me smile. So, I am, and I can be seen.

It couldn't go on like this for long, something had to be done. Strongly tormented by the question "why?", Which quickly gave way to the question "why?". The tantrums took me by surprise anywhere at any time, it began to anger me, and with all my being I silently shouted: “Enough!”, Then a little quieter: “Well, please stop!”, And then with all my might: “Why ? I needed to understand why. I thought if I understood, everything would pass. This is just some kind of lesson or task, and when I understand what is required of me to understand or do, I will immediately let go (or let go). And I started looking, looking for an answer. Oh, it could be anywhere, and anyone could be its bearer, it was impossible to miss a single stroke of the Universe, it was necessary to collect every speck of dust, a sliver, a piece of paper, to hear every rustle ...

One day I was standing in line at the cash register in the store, as usual, thinking about you. An Armenian stood in front of me and hummed a song under his breath in Armenian. Listening, I stuck to the poor fellow:
- What are you singing?
- Yes, one song, - he was taken aback with a strongly Armenian accent.
- What's the song? - I did not let up.
- A simple Armenian song, nothing special.
- Translate!
- "Be patient, dear, I'll be there soon!".
I froze, bulging my eyes at him.
- Did you like it? The most beautiful person in the world smiled at me.
- Yes, - and she smiled too, and then she left the store and cried, but with some barely noticeable shade of joy and hope, which lasted only until the next morning. In the morning everything is on schedule.

Sometimes I went on business trips. In these cities, I listened to everything even more strongly, deliberately climbed into the crowd, suddenly someone would say something, caught up with people who were talking in order to hear fragments of their phrases that could tell me something. I was very attentive to all sounds, inscriptions, signs. If the same number came across several times, then she rushed to look for its value on the Internet. Every place I went to was next to some temple or church, I went there, of course. I stood and listened around, immersed myself, cried, sat there on the bench just like that. People sat down next to me, and here I tensed up and prepared to absorb it with my whole body. But most of the time it was me who helped, not me. She calmed and supported them to the best of her meager strength, she simply listened. Apparently, people saw so much understanding in my suffering eyes that it became easier for them, they thanked me, wished me luck and left. I needed luck, I was looking for an answer.

In those cities where I went, of course, there were train stations. And at the stations, as usual, there are people without a fixed place of residence and, with a probability of one hundred and one percent, in a state of intoxication. Well, who, if not people who have sunk even lower than me, should have some wisdom? “That’s why they sank,” I thought, “because they understood something and could not survive.” I met a number of such people, had conversations with them, shared food. We ate, chatted, even laughed, but I invariably left, and they invariably stayed. I looked for wisdom in them, and they saw in me a source of wonder that bordered on insanity. Each of them shook his head after me and crossed the air.
By the way, one of those with whom I had the honor to be acquainted turned out to be a very unexpected person. He spoke to me himself. I went out of the station building into the frosty air so as not to fall asleep in the waiting room, and he came out of the store, saw me and asked:

No twenty? Took a bottle and had to stay.
Have you tried quitting drinking?
- Well, you will educate me too!
- Why too?
- My son and grandchildren all tried to re-educate me, now they don’t talk at all.

In general, this man is a former colonel, he has a son and an adopted daughter, whom he adopted when his wife died. When his wife died, he took to drink, his son, desperate to bring his father to his senses, stopped communicating with him and does not allow his grandchildren. So this man drank until life pushed him against a girl of eight years old, an orphan. He got adopted and started working. But could not. The girl is now orphanage, probably, and he is on the forecourt, getting acquainted with various crazy people, like me, and ruining his body with alcohol. I'm not so naive, I understand perfectly well that all this can be invented. But even before he told me this, I drew attention to his very competent speech, education and the contrast of general development against the background of the picture of his being.
- You should write books, not drink! I advised.
- What books?! I have a higher education, but one thing! - and laughed, somehow bitterly, as if regretting that I had stirred up his quiet drunken swamp with my absurdities.
I treated him to stuffed pancakes bought in a cafe, and he told me his story. A story about how, having lost a loved one, he lost himself and his life. There is only love everywhere. If the world will be shaken by earthquakes from asteroids falling from the sky, the most terrible disasters and diseases will overtake, people will still think about love, and the pain of loss and betrayal will be the strongest pain. What kind of substance is this, and why do some put it above all else, while others naively believe that they are strong enough to cope with this "nonsense"?

One woman in line at the clinic told me that at 78 she regrets that she did not marry the guy she loved in her youth. Then she married another, gave birth to a child, but all her life she remembered that one. Now her husband is paralyzed, she will not leave him, of course, but recently she found the address of that guy in the passport office through a friend. She knows where he lives. She knows that he is alive, and she would very much like to see him. "You must marry for love!" she concluded. And why should I? Why tell this to a person who has just lost this same love and is learning to live again? I looked at the sky and asked: "Are you kidding me?" and then she stumbled and fell on her knee, scratching her leg. She got up, realized the extent of her arrogance, whispered: “Sorry!” and humbled went her way.

My daily tantrums didn't stop, same frequency, same intensity. At the moments of the attacks, it seemed that the skull was torn from the inside. Now I can no longer remember and describe the fullness of that savage pain, and thank God! I remember that sometimes after the next one I went out into the corridor from my office, and there you walked towards me. I hated that smile of yours. I don't know what it meant, but it seemed to me at the time that you were mocking me. I don't think that was the case at all, but then it caused additional suffering. And then you left, and I breathed a sigh of relief, now I could walk calmly and not be afraid to run into you. When you arrived, I left. On a business trip for three weeks. This business trip extended my resuscitation to fifty percent.

It began with an emergency landing on an alternate airfield. We flew up to our destination, but we failed to descend, the plane began to chatter like a piece of cardboard. And you know, it made me so happy and joyful, like I was on an attraction. Turning around and seeing people clutching the armchairs with a death grip, some praying, I had to turn away to the porthole, otherwise I would have been taken either for a madman or for a terrorist, the smile was clearly inappropriate. But I had fun, with the same fun, I thought, what if we fall?! My neighbor, looking at my joy, decided that either she was born like that, or then she hit her head, there was another option, she smoked. He almost turned gray himself. Then we were told that we were flying to the reserve, I said, well, I’ve never been there, I’ll buy a bell. The people turned around and I fell silent. I realized later why it was so good in that chatter, I just needed other emotions, comparable in strength to those that I had been experiencing lately. Comparable in strength was only the threat of a fall from a height of nine thousand meters.

In the city where I was sent, next to the place of work, just like everywhere else, there was a church across the road, I was not even surprised anymore. I was settled in a two-story hotel on the second floor in a fairly comfortable room. I spent most of my non-working time in bed under two blankets with a laptop. Listened to music, watched optimistic films, read, taking breaks for sobs. And then one day I was walking along the corridor past the smoking room, the door was ajar and smoke oozed into the corridor. I looked inside, a very large middle-aged man was smoking on the windowsill in deep thought.
- You should close the door, the smoke goes into the corridor.
- What? he woke up.
Why don't you close the door? - I entered the smoking room, something in it hooked me.
- I thought about the laws of life and I don’t notice anything, - he smiled.
- Well, how do you like being? I smiled too.
- In life, everything is natural, not a single event happens just like that, everything is needed for something!
Here it is! I sat down in a chair and prepared to listen.
- Now I was thinking about the feeling of equality. Do you want to listen or are you in a hurry?
Well, no, I'm not in a hurry!
- It is very interesting to me!
- Okay, then let's get acquainted? I'm Sergei.
What?!
- Im Tanya. Sergeevna, by the way. Do you have a patronymic?
- Don't talk to me about you, I don't talk to anyone about you. And it suits you, Sergeevna!
- Why?
- I don't know, sounds good.
- Why don't you like it?
- Because even to God we turn to You, before You spoke only to enemies.
- It's clear. Agree. So what about the feeling of equality?
- The point is that all people are equal among themselves, no one is better or worse than anyone. This means that we should talk and act the same with everyone, even with the president, even with the janitor.
- Quite right. For example, I made friends with the director, and at the same time I had conversations with the homeless.
He looked at me and said:
- You have a very developed sense of equality, Tatyana Sergeevna, well done! But here you need to pay attention to this, everyone has such a thing as pride. Even if we do not recognize its existence, it is. For example, here you are, Tatyana Sergeevna, - he obviously liked the combination of my IEs, - are you angry at someone, or maybe you don’t like it?

I thought. There was one person for whom I had not good feelings at all, I think you understand who I mean. Pride?
- May be. That is, it turns out that I consider myself something better than her and therefore feel negative emotions towards her?
- Exactly. Good girl!
So. Indeed, where did I get that I'm better? I have no reason to think so. Maybe she's just a really great girl. Based on the theory of equality, we are absolutely equal with it, none of us is better or worse. And as soon as I understood this with all my being, I instantly stopped hating her, I even almost fell in love with her, well, at least I sincerely wished her good luck and all the best. While I creaked my brains, my new acquaintance looked at me silently and smiled approvingly. I was satisfied with myself, and he with me.
- Thanks! – I got emotional.
- Not at all, you yourself!

Am I finally up to something? It was a tiny step forward, there is still a long way ahead and tasks more difficult than loving your neighbor, but I have already gone and for the first time in recent months I have experienced great joy. But I still had to love myself!
“Not a single event happens just like that, everything is needed for something” - our acquaintance began with this. So it is, the door was open for a reason, it was open for me.

We talked with Sergei every evening, when both returned from work, he told me a lot of interesting things from his life. A former drug addict who was almost sent to a mental hospital by his own mother. It was a different life, today this person talks about life, philosophy, helps everyone and dreams of quitting smoking. I think he is also called Sergei in order to teach me to calmly respond to this name. Meeting him made me understand that the Universe did not think of leaving me alone, I was always under supervision, just something I was taught to cope with on my own. I was overcome with such a feeling of gratitude and boundless trust in her that I could probably jump off the bridge in full confidence that I would stay safe and sound. And by the way, I jumped, metaphorically, of course.
Epiphany was approaching, but the authorities banned swimming in the river in the city, since the ice was thin due to the lack of frost. Everyone in our hotel was upset and puzzled, what to do. And then someone suggested, I think it was just Sergei, to go to a certain settlement, which is a hundred kilometers from the city. And so, we are driving in several cars a hundred kilometers from a city that is alien to me to swim in the hole. I am alone in the car of an almost unfamiliar huge man. When I got into his car, I didn’t even have a shadow of a doubt that I was doing everything right, the idea that, in principle, there is something to be afraid of, arose only in the middle of the road, but I drove it away, reminding myself that I have my universe, everything will be fine.

It was an extraordinary adventure, filled with all sorts of concepts and signs, which made me think not only about you and about me. On that trip, my sensei got a click on his nose, a good, tangible click. The fact is that in his good intentions he forgets that people have their own opinion, their own faith, and not everyone is ready, like me, to have a constructive dialogue with him at a run, agreeing in most cases. In general, when we had just decided to go to this settlement, Sergey said that this place is a settlement of deeply Orthodox people who bring up difficult teenagers there, children from dysfunctional and large families. “These people are very religious and very good,” he said.
- Their road is covered with snow, no one can drive, five kilometers, someone carries food on a snowmobile, and everyone else sits there without getting out. I changed my hotel room to a simpler one and ordered the technician to clean the road. The equipment will be released in the morning, and we will drive up just after lunch, - well, what can I say, well done, very noble. But the problem was that he himself was extremely pleased with himself. And this is a manifestation of pride. They don't look for good from good, right?

When we arrived there, it was already four o'clock in the evening, it was starting to get dark, and the road had not yet been cleared. We waited until it was cleared and already in the dark we reached the place. One awkward movement of the steering wheel and the wheels slipped off the track and ran into a fresh snowdrift. We looked at each other and laughed as we discussed the possibility of needing a shovel on the way, and hoped we wouldn't need one, because there simply wasn't one in the car. We were the last to go, the others were already out of sight, and we were in darkness with the only source of light, the headlights of the car. Fortunately for us, we were on the territory of the settlement, we just had to walk to the nearest house. The nearest house turned out to be empty, but a young boy came across, about fifteen years old at most. He undertook to help us with unexpected enthusiasm, ran for shovels, and he and Sergei began to dig, and Sergei worked as if this was exactly what he had been missing in recent years. He flushed and smiled from ear to ear, perfectly pleased with what was happening. The guy helped push the car out, showed me where to go, and disappeared on his own business.

What did we say or think like that, huh? A smiling face winked at me.
- I don't know, you didn't swear at the cleaner?
He laughed.
- May be.

I will digress a little to tell a little story that happened to my friend when he and a colleague went on one of their business trips. They were driving. A woman lived in the same courtyard as Sergei, who worked as a salesperson in a 24-hour kiosk in the same place, next to the house. This woman, once upon a time, had the misfortune to conflict with him, who was not yet as reasonable as he is now. In principle, she was a lady not the easiest fate, and somehow it was very logical for herself to end up in prison. From there, she came out even more unpleasant for our hero and began to work in the aforementioned kiosk. He tried not to go there, so as not to cross paths with her, if he ran into her, did not say hello, in general, he ignored her existence in every possible way. There was even some squeamishness in his attitude towards her. So, colleagues are driving along the highway, talking again about the feeling of equality, when suddenly, in some incomprehensible way, they collide with the car ahead, and it flies into a ditch. What was his surprise when that woman turned out to be the driver of the car. She had a broken leg and something else, the passenger had bruises, and Sergey and his friend only crushed the bumper. They called an ambulance, a tow truck, settled everything, and then Sergey went to the hospital several times a week, brought her fruits and medicines. He had to talk to her, he confessed his dislike for her, apologized, and they became friends. The moral of this fable is that he took a slap in the face for his pride, but as a reasonable person he understood everything correctly and corrected it.

We return to our forest. They dug us out, and we reached the place. A woman wearing a headscarf and a short fur coat over a floor-length dress came out to meet us. A boy of ten years old jumped out with her and the same guy who helped us. We were led to the dining room. Refectory! She occupied a separate hut with a huge stove, a huge table, around which there were long wooden benches. And you know what? There was a goat! Yes, yes, a gray goat with horns and kids, in the amount of five pieces, they said that there were two more on the street, so it’s a normal fairy tale. On each goat hung a medallion with a nickname. There was also a cat, so huge that he could have passed for that wolf, but he was red. As soon as I had time to stroke everyone, we were told to go to another hut, where we would be changed. We were led by the same woman who met us. She had a lantern in her hands, and that was it, there were no more means of lighting on the street. We made our way through a "short" path through meter-long snowdrifts and a forest to the song of a lonely lantern in the hands of a very Orthodox woman. We will find out very soon that she is “very” Orthodox, as soon as Sergei hints that God is one. But for the time being they brought us to the house, where they gave me a long skirt, a shirt, and a shirt, trousers and a hat for him. I had to tinker with the size, I already said that it is rather big. In general, beautiful and smart, we returned to the refectory. The woman did not get tired of thanking her savior for the cleared road, she said that God sent him, well, who else? And in general, it's just a miracle, a wonderful miracle. Gratitude knew no bounds. In the refectory, a treat was waiting for us in the form of rice with dried fruits, herbal tea and some pastries, and, of course, goats. I mastered only half of the food given to me and, with a cup of tea in my hands, pressed my back against the stove. A goat immediately jumped on my knees, Verba, it seems, lay down. I stroked this cutie on the head, and she basked like a cat. The cat saw this idyll and, jumping up from his seat, sat down at my feet and began to meow.
- What do you want?
- Meow.
- Well, come to us!
Kotyara immediately jumped onto the bench and lay down on top of the kid. I had to stroke both. Then the kid went away, the cat lay down more comfortably, but another jumped in and lay down on top of the cat. And I was sitting like Alyonushka in a fairy forest, holding a cat and a kid on my knees and melting with warmth and pleasure. And then fragments of phrases began to reach my consciousness.
- ... so after all, God is one, and we are all equal before him, that Muslims, that Orthodox, that atheists! - Sergey crucified.
- No, you are not saying something, - in the eyes of the woman, fear was already clearly read.
- Seryozha, don't! I asked quietly.
But he had already sat on his horse and raced at full speed.
- Religion in general has nothing to do with faith, no matter who you are and how many candles you put in the church a month, if you truly believe!

The woman left the hut almost in tears. When she returned, she asked Sergei to come out and talk to her. She told him that she called the priest, and the father ordered her not to talk to him and not to let her see the children. Therefore, he should leave, they still have children and responsibility, and here he says things that are not right at all. Sergei returned dejected and said to me:
- We need to leave!
- Well, - I answered, lowered the living creatures from my knees and dressed. We thanked everyone, got into the car, and only when we got to the track, I finally asked him what was the matter.
“You see, for some people, religion is a refuge for the mind, and I encroached on this refuge,” and he relayed the conversation, as a result of which we had to leave.
- She advised me books and invited me to the service tomorrow, the devil needs to be cast out of me, that's it!
- Listen, I'm very sorry for you. You did good, and they drove you away, it's strange, to be honest, no matter how you look at it. Would you be offended if I told you?
- No, on the contrary, speak!
- You should not rush at people with your truth, not everyone is able to not only understand it, but also come to terms with the fact that it differs from their own.
- Yes you are right.
- Of course. These people are fans, they are good, but obsessed, their mind is in a rigid framework in which they are safe and calm, they feel their exclusivity and righteousness. And you tell them, "everyone is equal." They believe in rituals more than in God. Did you notice how scared she was when you were talking about candles?
- Yes.
- Do not climb to such people, leave your philosophy for people like me, at least, - we smiled. There was a residue in my heart. On the one hand, it is insulting and strange. On the other hand, it was a pity to disturb these essentially kind people.
- Here it is, pride, Tatyana Sergeevna! I took something that I can teach someone and paid the price! - he laughed.
- Exactly.
- Shall we go for coffee?
- Let's.

We took coffee and sweets at the gas station and spent the rest of the way trying to cheer each other up. That night I fell asleep very quickly, but slept restlessly from an overabundance of emotions.

When my mother saw my deplorable state of mind, she thrust me a prayer book. This is such a stage of growing up, I read somewhere, when suddenly an adult begins to actively attend church, travel to holy places, read prayers ... So, my mother matured and instead of the usual moralizing, she gave me a small black book. When I was packing my suitcase for a business trip, she called and told me to take it with me, so the prayer book lay at the bottom of the suitcase and waited in the wings. His hour came one day, along with the appearance of my thoughts about the role of various Sergeyevs in my life. I opened the table of contents and found a prayer to Sergius of Radonezh "On the healing of the soul." Needless to say, my soul needed healing more than ever. I opened it and began to read, then again and again. On the third repetition she burst into tears. Sergey knocked soon after. He asked what it was I was not in the mood for, I replied that I was trying to let go of one person.
- That's right, there is no need to keep it.
- It is clear that there is no need, I would let go, but they won’t let me go.
- And what do you want?
- I want, if all this means at least something and for real, then that we have a chance, and that something happens in this direction. And if not, then let peace come in my soul, this pain will go away and everything will pass.
- Tatyana Sergeevna, until you take everything that you are supposed to take from this situation, go through it to the end, nothing will pass.
- And where is this end?
- And it's not up to you! Why did you think this could even happen?
- Of course. One reason, at least I have.
- Enlighten.
- Well, I got stuck in my swamp, it was quiet, warm and cozy there, a zone of complete comfort. You know that when you stay in this zone for a long time, there is no development, you become moldy. And it was already so habitually good for me there that when my friend fell in love, I looked at her worries and said that I didn’t need this anymore, I’ve already fallen in love, I’m completely satisfied with my peace. Well, I got stuck, half a year has not passed.
“Perhaps this is the reason, but I think there is also a purpose.
- Which?
- Time will tell. Most likely, you have to surprise yourself, do something that you don’t expect from yourself, understand a lot, come to something. Don't expect this to happen soon, so be patient.
I took a deep breath.
- If only a little better, otherwise it is sometimes impossible to breathe.
- Let's go, I have records in the car, I sometimes listen on the road.
- What are the records?
- Osho. He says very correct things.
- Good.
We sat in the car and listened to how someone's male voice recited the truth on behalf of Osho. Then he seemed too categorical to me, although perhaps this voice is to blame. Or maybe my mind was still clouded by pain and despair and did not perceive it the way it was supposed to. Or maybe it wasn’t necessary yet, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t say anything to Sergey about this, but only tried to open up to perception as much as possible. When we got back to the hotel, he emailed me a link to the mantra of love and tenderness on YouTube. I listened to it ten times that night, fell asleep listening to it, and listened to it every day afterwards. In addition to her, I found many other mantras that suited me, they brought me peace, I was grateful to Sergey for this. In response, I shared with him accidentally found Oleg Torsunov, whom I also listened to every evening before going to bed, I fell asleep under his lectures, or rather under his voice. I learned a lot from this person, although I was not ready to agree with everything, from which I concluded that as a woman I am so-so, a semi-finished product, there is room to grow, to which I was told that everyone has room to grow, another matter, that not everyone wants it. And if I want, then well done! In general, my friend told me: “Tatyana Sergeevna, everything is so good in you that you simply cannot believe it, and therefore you suffer!” A statement of doubtful veracity, but instead of self-flagellation, I began to look for the good in myself, fulfilling the task of the speaker. Well, I found something.

At the same time, the story of Sergius of Radonezh continued. One afternoon I went to a church that was across the street from work. The walls inside were painted with images of various saints, and I went to look for my Sergius. Not finding him, I sat down on a bench near the northern wall of the temple with my back to the wall and for some reason turned around. It was on the wall behind me. I smiled and whispered to him:
- Hi!
- Hello! his eyes told me. I sat next to him, both were silent, but I was so warm next to him and calm, like a prodigal great-great-great-granddaughter, finally found her way, and everyone is happy. When I had to return to work, I decided to put a candle, bought it and returned to him, but he told me: “No need, put the Mother of God!”. Everything inside me vibrated. Standing at the icon of the Mother of God, I understood why he sent me here, I stood next to her like a naughty daughter, realizing and asking for forgiveness, but without hysteria, but somehow very calmly. And she, strict, kind and very wise, ordered me to go live.
At the exit from the temple, I said goodbye to Sergius and said with all my might: “Thank you!”.
In general, I began to say thank you to everything around me often. I stumbled and thanks to that I was not hit by a car that ran a red light, wow, thanks! On the way, a dog stuck, a lump of snow fell from the roof, not on my head, stunned, thank you! In search of an ATM, I wandered into a neighboring street, helped an old woman who did not have enough money in the store, wow, thank you! These signs of fate were everywhere. There was not only a single sign from you, on the contrary, you were farther and farther, pulling a piece of my heart behind you, as if testing this material for elasticity. But “the absence of signs is also a sign!” - remember?

Then I repeatedly called “to Sergius”, before leaving I came to say goodbye, and every time I picked up a candle, he sent me to the Mother of God. It was magical. I told Sergey about this, to which they answered me:
- Eh, Tatyana Sergeevna, whether there will be more. You have such miracles ahead of you that you won’t even consider it a miracle!
I began to cry less often, I just learned to stop the hot flashes. Feeling the approach, she began to breathe deeply and mumble a mantra, trying to switch her attention as soon as possible. It turned out not bad, but the ratio of the total time of joy and the time of depression was in favor of the latter by a huge margin, and it was Sergey who was still nearby. But everything tends to end, especially in the human world. It's time for him to leave. Before leaving, he knocked on my door already fully assembled and dressed.
- Well, Tatyana Sergeevna, I have to go. It was nice to meet you, - he began an official speech.
- Shut up, huh! I interrupted.
- Tatyana Sergeevna, you are the most substantial woman I know!
- Come on!
- Seriously.
- Thanks!
- For the truth? he smiled.
- Yes, no, for everything. You have done a lot for me. You have no idea how much you helped me. Thank you!
- It was an exchange, I also enriched myself a lot from you, and thank you!
We hugged, and he left, and in my room, despite the resulting emptiness, there was a lot of light. It was very sunny that day.

By evening, longing began, and I realized that I could not stay alone. I found a salon nearby and went randomly to get a manicure. Luck was on my side, they were ready to receive me in half an hour. What a meeting it was! I left there around midnight, when my husband had already arrived for the master, without waiting for her independent return. Just in the process, we also decided to do a pedicure, drank tea and talked and talked. This wonderful woman has come a long way before claiming her rights to happiness. Instead of despairing, she became even stronger and the obstacles receded. The husband, who was a tyrant, became soft plasticine when it dawned on him that now is another wrong step, and the point of no return will be passed, he will simply lose the woman he loves. At that time, she had already packed her suitcase and left, so he had to rush after her across the country. But everything ended well, these people are together, she paints my nails, and he is waiting for her in the hall, grumbling under his breath, why do you need a pedicure in winter, no one will see anyway ?!
It was she who told me: "Instead of resisting the pain, let it help you." I later read the same thing from Osho: “Do not resist, turn to face her, go into her and dissolve in her,” something like that. "If I want to leave this room, I must start by entering it" - how wise, right? I imagined my pain in the form of a very dark enclosed space, closed my eyes, turned my face and entered it. Did you know I'm claustrophobic? Therefore, if we were stuck in an elevator, we would hardly have sex. I would breathe deeply, trying to fight the panic, and you would make sure that you did not stop breathing. And now, having entered the darkness, I spread my arms to the sides, closed my eyes, and began to breathe deeply slowly, feeling the burning effect of this dark space on the entire surface of my skin. By the way, it turned out to be open, and the darkness turned out to be just black fog. If you go forward, the fog gradually dissipates, and there is a clear blue sky and a lot of sun, and it is also warm and fresh at the same time. I did not end up there, but now I knew that this fog was not endless, moreover, what after it suits me very well. In the meantime, you need to be patient and gain experience and knowledge that are literally pouring in on me from all sides. Okay, everything will be fine!

The business trip lasted for more than two weeks, although it was planned for three days. I was glad for the delay, it was necessary, but now that so much has happened, heard and understood, I suddenly got tired of walking in the same clothes. It was a clear sign that it was time. I began to pester the experts so that they gave me all the comments, eliminate them and leave. And they complained about me to the head of the examination department. This boss called me and said:
- Go home, Tatyana!
- I have not finished yet!
- So far, there is nothing to give you, then your leadership will come and sort it out.
- Good.
And already behind her I heard his grumbling: “Beautiful girls walk around here, interfere with work!”. Beautiful?! For three weeks I intentionally looked like a scarecrow, I didn’t take a single skirt with me, I wore glasses all the way, I didn’t put on makeup. Men, are you all right? Or I became “beautiful” by the end of the third week, depriving my face of universal sadness, and wearing a smile instead. Well, the more you have to go. Among other things, I clearly realized that it was beyond my strength to work with you in the same building, and upon arrival I decided to quit.
The city followed me with a blizzard. The hotel administrator behaved like an aunt seeing off her niece, made sure that I was fed dinner early, ordered a taxi, brought me to the car, and completely sincere concern was read on her face, she had just not kissed me in the end. The taxi driver turned out to be wonderful, somehow avoided traffic jams, drove ahead of schedule and all the time reassured me with such kindness in his voice, as if I were some kind of fragile vessel, extremely valuable. And so I, wrapped in a cloud of tenderness and kindness of the city that was leaving, got on the plane. Home! I was carrying huge luggage from here, I did not come across a single aggressive or even nervous person here, everyone was polite, kind and even caring to me. Everything here treated me carefully, protected and protected, I think, even more from myself than from anything else. And I felt grateful. Sitting on the plane, I thanked this city for everything. Under my door began to break light timidly.

When I got to work, I immediately wrote a letter of resignation. Some called me bold, because when I answered the question where I answered, nowhere, I was just tired, others on the same occasion did not respond so flatteringly, but everyone was surprised. The director showed the most participation in this matter. He didn’t want to let me go, he offered to take a vacation first, if I didn’t change my mind, then ... I couldn’t even think of so many good things about myself, how much I suddenly heard from him and other people. I am sure that there were on the other side, without this in any way. Thought it was just more than the other. Sergei was right, I didn't know much about myself. No pride, I just always downplayed my dignity, never giving myself an assessment even a little close to reality. And for sure, I never thought that such a valuable worker! But, my dear director, I can no longer stay here, everything outside your office is covered with darkness, I walk there along the outline, focusing on the sound. Just a self-preservation instinct.

This nice man had long conversations with me before, during and after his dismissal. Moreover, it turned out that he is at the same frequency as Sergey, only at a higher level and brighter. He continued what Sergey was doing with my consciousness and wished me good luck in the end. This was another person to whom I became grateful and whom I remember with warmth and a smile. He added light to that meager beam under the door.

So, I'm free. Having made the decision not to work until I was ready for it, at first I got a good cry. The first month of freedom, the fourth after you, every day began with meditation, then, according to the schedule, sobs, accompanied by beating the sofa, well, and then walks, trips to museums, exhibitions, and not a single store.

After some time, I decided to finish my dissertation, you told me once, finish what you started! Well, I'm obedient. One day, when it was especially tight, I went to a friend who loves to draw. At that time, she became interested in oil. I sat down next to him and drew what most reflected me then. It was a heart torn to shreds against the blue sky, inside of it there was also the sky. And I was carried away, I began to draw, and if I sat down to work, I could not get up until I finished. Sometimes I finished at 4-5 in the morning, immediately took pictures and sent it to her, which taught her to leave the phone silent at night. When I was painting, I entered some kind of meditative state, my thoughts receded, I thought only about what I was doing. Then I understood what it means to be here and now.

I needed to fill my days to capacity, leaving no time for myself to suffer. So I also signed up for guitar lessons. Then lectures began at the university, drawing, guitar, writing a dissertation, reading, meditation, I tried very hard. I tried to swim to the surface without fail and start living without anguish, I did not want to be such a sufferer. But, unfortunately, not everything depended on me. As soon as the grip was loosened, water flowed from the eyes spontaneously, but much, much less often. And then you appeared. What for? You said just like that. I was immediately thrown back. What did you do? You just sent a smile, a smile. I wouldn’t answer, but I’m kind, besides, what if ... No, not suddenly, just like that. What were you thinking? I remember that after that I asked you to let me go, since you don't need me. You said nothing, I took it as consent.

Now start again. I did not yet know that I would have to start over again and again, because you would appear again and again and every time "just like that." How are you, how are you, just hello, just a smiley, you will do this every 2-3 months for a year and a half. Every time I will ask you to leave me alone. One day, to my proposal to pretend that nothing happened, you even say: “How can I refuse you?” and disappear, but only until the next time.

“When the heart is so hungry for truth, peace, religion, one day you come face to face with the sun, which disperses all the darkness of life.”

“Love is not asked - it is never obtained by requests. Love comes through giving – it is our own echo.”

"Love is fire for you and I pray to God that your ego will burn in it." (This is burning my ego, it turns out).

“Take life easy and natural, as it comes. Greet her in her never-ending forms with a manifestation of total acceptance.”

"Where is the truth? Do not look for it - did someone find the truth through the search? Indeed, in the search there is a seeker. Therefore, do not seek, but lose yourself. He who has lost himself finds the truth."

“Let go of yourself completely, like a boat floating on a river. No need to row, just let her go with the flow. You don't have to swim, just follow the flow and then the river will take you to the ocean. The ocean is very close - but only for those who follow the current, and do not swim.

“You are as you are - don't try to change. Don't swim in life, just follow the flow like a leaf in a stream."

"Die so that you may live! When a seed destroys itself, it becomes a tree; when a drop loses itself, it becomes an ocean."

“Where is the truth to be found? You see, it is sought within oneself, within oneself, within oneself, within oneself.”

“Why does a person suffer so much?
Because there is noise in his life, but there is no silent music.
Because in his life there is a rumbling of thoughts, but there is no emptiness.
Because in his life there is confusion of feelings, but there is no peace.
Because in his life there is a crazy running back and forth, but there is no stillness that does not know any directions.
And in the end, because there is too much of himself in his life. That's for sure.

“There is power within you, but you do not know about it. To find it, you need a catalyst. The day you understand all this, you will laugh.” I'm already smiling.

It was necessary to establish a limit, a period after which I would put an end to this epochal lament. After counting half a year from that day, adding five days for the error, I set the exact date.
A week before this date, that is, almost three months after I was free, I said to myself: “Well, it seems that I have had a rest, I can already work!” And the next day I met a friend who said that they just needed it. A day later, I talked with their director, and exactly on that date I went to work, stepping into new life. A little later, she defended her dissertation and continued to draw. I put a lot of effort into pulling myself out of this great depression literally by the ears. Everything inside me was burned out, now new herbs are blooming there. I do not want to torture myself with memories and I do not advise you, which is why I react so painfully when you do this. This is the past, and the present is always here and now. I have no goal, I'm not looking for anything, I'm not striving anywhere. I just try to live every moment of my life as fully as possible, be aware of it and my presence in it, look around and observe. It's such a joy to see!

And by the way, the answer to my question was always there, when I was still looking for it, through the wall, in the next room. A man from a neighboring office said to me, among other things: "Because you can't live without love!" It's that simple.

I needed you, probably to find out about this. And also to turn my life upside down, reset it and make it live.

And finally, from Osho:
"Life has no purpose - life is its purpose ...".

I wish you and your family many, many joys together. Be happy! (Be aware of your happiness, live.)